Monday, October 22, 2018

Surrender

I am having a really hard time lately.

I can't really go into more detail than that (and Joe and I are great), but there is something in my life right now that is causing me a lot of anguish.

Frustration.

Exhaustion.

Uncertainty.

Confusion.

And I don't know what to do about it. There seems to be little I can do about it right now.

Today was more of the same, and I'm always thinking I just won't make it.

But, boom boom boom -- just like that -- three emails from beloved former students. (EDIT: As of 10:28 p.m. it's now four. FOUR beloved former students.)

One when I got up. One when the school day had just ended. One this evening. (EDIT: And now, one right before bed. That's when I got up, after school, when I got home, and right before bed.)

Three emails that three precious souls took their precious time to write to me. They made my day and have given me the strength to live to fight another day.

And that got me thinking that over the past few months, God has come through for me in small ways every moment that I've needed something. What He has NOT done is delivered me from my situation, given me a way out, or explained anything to me. But He truly has given me little pieces -- just enough -- to keep me going. To keep me from falling apart.


He is giving me exactly what I need. No more, no less. He's not giving me a way out of my circumstances, but He is giving me the exact amount of grace I need in order to endure and get up and do it again tomorrow. He's giving me the exact amount (the EXACT amount) of drops of love I need to know that He is there and He hears me while also making sure that I am completely reliant on Him to keep going.

Is this what they call surrender? I think it might be. I might not be happy about what's going on. I certainly don't understand it. I absolutely can't figure out what the point is. But I do see that He sees it. And He is allowing it. So this must be His will. And I must surrender to it, content in the promise of His grace.

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