Yesterday was a really sunny day, and I had done all for Snicks's health that I could before his doctor's appointment in the late afternoon, so I took my books, my sunscreen, and myself to the pool for a couple of hours.
On the drive there I was listening to music, thinking about the nice birthday I had had, the good wishes and gifts I had received, and the fact that I was just a really fortunate person to be driving to the pool with a book on a sunny day, knowing the people I know.
You knew that was coming, right?
My brain started talking back to me.
I don't know about you, but a lot of the time my brain starts talking back to me, and it often says very unkind things.
Yesterday, my brain told me I'd better not get used to feeling happy and positive because it never lasts, and I know it. "Just wait," my brain said. "Just wait till early September when you're overwhelmed with teaching and coaching and graduate school. We'll see how Auntie Mame you feel then. Or how about in December when it gets dark at 5 p.m. and you're cold and haven't seen the sun in days. Are you really going to feel like life is a banquet then?"
And then my brain laughed at me. My brain is really not a nice person at all.
This happens to me a lot. And often, I don't know what to say back to myself. My brain likes to scare me into not enjoying the moment for fear of how bad I'm inevitably going to feel at some yet-to-be-determined time in the future.
And I hate it.
Yet, I allow it to happen a lot.
Instead of just enjoying the sunny drive to the pool, I allow my brain to scare me into spending the drive waiting for the other shoe to drop, so to speak.
But yesterday, I realized that Auntie Mame's whole schtick is living in the moment. Enjoying life as it is in that moment, and dealing with hard times as they come, instead of spending life in a perpetual state of preparing for the worst. Because that is exhausting.
So I'm committing to doing that this year. I will not spend my year worrying about when the next bad thing will happen or when I'm going to start feeling bad again. Instead, I will enjoy the moment I'm in, as much as I can, so when things do get tough, I'll have some strength and grace to draw from.