Tuesday, January 26, 2016

It's Who I Am

Do you ever have one of those days where you feel like you are crawling out of your own skin? I don't know how to better describe it than that. But whatever it is, that was me today.

I knew today was going to be tough because we were out Friday and Monday for snow, and nothing says "Don't worry, today will be great!" like a school full of kids who really just want to be home eating cookies and watching Netflix for the fifth day in a row. (... or maybe that was me who wants cookies. :) ) I had a pep talk with myself last night when I found myself getting increasingly nervous about today. I told myself that it was going to be crazy for many reasons, including changing lesson plans around, rescheduling tests, working with bummed out kids who can't remember to bring a pencil to class, etc. I put on a fun outfit, and tried to arm myself with a good attitude on the way out the door.

And it wasn't like anything BAD happened today, it was just awkward all day long. It's so hard to find your groove when you've been out of routine, and I JUST had to go through this a couple weeks ago when we returned from Christmas break. I just felt bummed out and anxious all day long. I was happy to be at school because I love teaching, but I just felt like I was crawling out of my skin all day long and my anxiety was through the roof. It just felt so terrible all day long.

In times like these, it's easy (at least for me) to get caught up in my own head and live there. It's super easy for me to go from "man, today is rough" to "my life is ridiculous/what am I doing/I need to get my life together/I can't do anything right/I'm a huge failure/I'm the world's worst teacher" (really living in those latter two today). It's a really slippery slope for me.

As I was driving home, still crawling out of my skin, but unable to pinpoint exactly why, I kept playing those terrible thoughts over and over on a loop in my head. I was really spiraling downward when I happened to hear this song on the radio that I'd heard before and liked but never really contemplated.

And the chorus goes like this:

You're a good, good Father
It's who You are, it's who You are, it's who You are
And I am loved by You
It's who I am, it's who I am, it's who I am

I am loved by You. It's who I am.

That's pretty simple. I can understand that. (And I can't understand a lot. Ask my sister Erin who has received about 84750982375930 texts in the past three days about this psychology class I have to take.)

Did it make everything better? No. Did it take my day from zero to hero (do people still say this?)? No. Did it change my life? No.

But it helped take a little of that mercurial anxiety away and it soothed me for a while. And I'll take it.

In the event you are crawling out of your skin today too, here you go:



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