Wednesday, October 9, 2013

The Lord Gives and the Lord Takes Away

There are many sad things in the world that cause pain and suffering, but I think one of the worst is a broken heart. Heartbreak pain is really indescribable pain... it's the kind that makes you think you can't sleep (and you can't), you can't eat (you really can't), you can't get off the couch, you can't go to work, you can barely move because every bit of your energy is going in to just taking your next breath. Just keeping yourself alive for one more moment. 

Heartbreak is something that most people have experienced. Some of us more than one time. And, the thing is, it never gets easier the more times it happens. In fact, I feel like the older you get the harder heartbreak is. The harder you fall. But with age I think also comes a sense of perspective, so even if it hurts more, hurts so badly you don't know what you're going to do with yourself, maybe one day you'll be able to process the pain in a way you couldn't do when you were younger. Or at least know that when you're hurting so badly now, even if you can't see the end of it or when it'll be over, you know that one day you will wake up and it will all be okay. It just will. 

Obviously I'm feeling a bit of broken heart right now. And by "a bit" I mean I am feeling the pain of a broken heart right now. It's pretty fresh. And I thought yesterday that most people, when they think of meeting God and asking Him a question, they want to ask him what is the meaning of life? But me? I'd ask him... where were you? Where were you God? Where were you when I was crying and in pain and praying to you for help? Where were you when I was praying before to please only let me feel this way if it came from You. WHERE WERE YOU? 

Fortunately I read the writing of a lot of people smarter than me, and I read something last night that really helped me. You can read the whole thing here (and you should), but it all boils down to this:

Each time I am tempted to scream, Where is our God when we suffer?!, the crucifix provides its own, wordless response: He is right here, suffering with us.

He's here. Suffering with us. I'm God's daughter. When I hurt, He hurts. He feels the pain I'm in. Even though He has the ability to take it away in a second, for whatever reason He's decided that this is something I need to feel and experience and suffer through. But He feels it too. I'm not here feeling this pain alone. He's beside me feeling it too. So thanks, Jen, for helping ease the heartache of someone you don't know and have never met.

One thing I asked my best friend Melissa last night was why? Why did this have to happen? In the grand scheme of life and God's world and His plan, was it really so important to God that I go through this? Could he not have just prevented it from happening or taken the feelings from my heart? The answer is, of course he could. And I don't know why I had to feel pain or why He didn't take it away. But I'm trying to be okay with the fact he didn't. And, at the very least, this is just another situation that reminds me the kind of friends He has blessed me with: friends like Melissa who have two small kids and a husband and a job but talked to me for an hour on my drive home from heartbreak central last night. I couldn't have made it home without her voice on the other end of the phone. Friends like Story who found me at 7:30 this morning on her way to school to bring me muffins and a note and a hug. Friends like Sarah who texted me all morning from work and then told me to meet her in her backyard after work for wine and talking because our trip to the store for Saturday's volunteer supplies could so wait for something like this. 

And like I told Melissa this morning via email: I got a little sleep, and I just took my medicine and brushed my teeth. I'm about to shower and clean up some things. I haven't cried today since I hugged Story this morning. I feel okay. I really do. :) It hurts, it does, but Mel, I choose to believe I am magic and that life is magic and that God has blessed me beyond measure with all the many people and things I have to be grateful for. As I told you last night, I have a list of things in my life that will never change, no matter how old I get or how heartbroken I am or anything. There are friends that will come and go and I know that, but there are things I know that will never change. Story won't. You and your kids won't. My parents won't. Sarah even won't. I choose to believe I'm special, that God made me just the way He wanted me, and although I might get angry with Him because I don't understand why he lets me hurt so badly sometimes, perhaps it's not for me to know now. As my mom told me this past weekend when we were talking Fulton Sheen saved my life so I could LIVE my life not so I could be scared of it. 

Who knows why heartbreak happens and why some people (ahem, myself) seem to experience it more than others.  But I guess the real question is -- why NOT me. But it's not the pain that's the important part, the important part is getting up and still believing in your own magic. Believe that hope is the most powerful magic of all. 

The note Story brought me this morning with my muffins. Love that kid.

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